i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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