Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
