I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
