I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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