I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize