Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
