On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
