sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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