Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
