He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
