I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
