I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
