I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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