I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
