Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize