If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
