She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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