My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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