her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
