I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
