I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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