eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
