how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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