Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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