Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
