I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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