Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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