Already got asked if we're dating
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize