the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
