I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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