i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
