I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
