you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
