So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize