do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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