dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
