I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize