I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize