The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
