Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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