what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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