I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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