I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
