Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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