i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
