2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
