Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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