I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
