Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize