Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize