I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
