Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize