I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
