Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
