Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
