it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
