I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
