i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im holly from the hills drunk
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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