All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You can't just leave with hair like that
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize