finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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