Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
