I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
