You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
