I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
