someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
