I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
