he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
